Our Relationship Backstory

To provide some context, we were together for two years. The last eight months, however, are questionable in terms of being a true relationship. Initially, he was deeply in love—gentle, caring, and always attentive. I recognized his goodness. Unfortunately, his life became chaotic when his ex-wife and their four children returned to the island, demanding much of his time. He realized that our relationship could not remain as it was because he simply could not offer me what I deserved. We attempted to navigate this for eight more months, but the strain of his obligations and my desire for progression became overwhelming. Eventually, we made the painful decision to part ways.

Embarking on a Self-Discovery Journey

I am currently on a journey of self-discovery, digging deep to understand why I often feel insecure towards the end of a relationship. What fuels my fear of abandonment? Do I genuinely believe that no one else will ever love me as he did? As I reiterated earlier, I am aware of my own worth.

So why do I allow myself to become emotionally dependent on someone who gives me only scraps? A few texts or calls here and there, and an occasional dinner every two weeks under the pretense of enjoying each other's company.

Why do I seek that daily communication when he only talks about himself and his issues? Have I turned into his free therapist or emotional crutch, always available with minimal effort on his part? He has become one of the most self-centered individuals I know.

However, I still recall the warmth of his hugs, the scent that initially drew me to him, and our intimate moments (which, admittedly, complicate my feelings). I remember his earlier kindness and attentiveness before he became self-involved. I find myself making excuses for his behavior.

Ultimately, I continue to love him more than I love myself.

I keep inflicting emotional pain on myself daily by trying to maintain a friendship with someone I still care for deeply. I am stalling my own life, my hopes, dreams, and opportunities, while neglecting the possibility of a new relationship with someone who would genuinely cherish me. My psychologist likened me to Silas, the self-punishing monk from "The Da Vinci Code," constantly torturing myself with unrealistic hopes.

Perhaps my so-called "recognized self-worth" isn’t as deeply rooted as I believed. Am I merely trying to convince myself of my value? Is my self-sabotage fueled by low self-esteem, insecurities, and fears?

This journey promises to be long and challenging. One important realization I’ve had is my desire for inner peace. I need emotional stability—consistent and tranquil. As Walter Riso wisely states, one should avoid becoming involved with someone who can’t provide what they truly need.

I will persist with my therapeutic practices, meditation, and learning to embrace my emotions instead of suppressing them. Most importantly, I will focus on cultivating self-compassion, treating myself kindly, and mastering the art of letting go.

Thank you for taking the time to read my reflections. I hope you found this narrative insightful and empowering. Your thoughts and experiences matter to me, so please share them in the comments below. I look forward to connecting with you soon. Louise ;)

The first video, "The SECRET to Meeting HIGH-VALUE People," discusses the importance of recognizing valuable connections in your life and how to attract higher-quality relationships.

The second video, "How to Build Self-Worth (Even If You've Struggled With it Your Whole Life) - Terri Cole," offers insights and strategies for enhancing self-worth, especially for those who have faced challenges in this area.