The Role of Community in Finding Love

What does it truly take to discover "The One"? Perspectives vary widely. Relationship expert Matthew Hussey suggests that single women should aim to meet 200 new men annually—approximately four per week—to enhance their chances of finding lasting love. Bruce Bryans takes a different approach, advising women to “Never Chase Men Again.” Meanwhile, authors Steven Carter and Julia Sokol highlight that intelligent women understand Mr. Right might not be the most obvious choice, a sentiment likely shared by Lori Gottlieb.

But in our post-pandemic, app-driven society, how can one possibly meet 200 new individuals in a year? Poet and essayist Morgan Parker argues that being single should be viewed as a collective issue. “In our early twenties, singleness was a community concern. Now, it seems like the goal of the collective is lost; it’s just my issue. I am nobody’s responsibility.”

Navigating relationships can feel isolating in a culture that prizes individual achievements over communal bonds. Parker's perspective resonates; we’ve all experienced the thrill of helping friends approach their crushes on a Saturday night. In our youth, we eagerly discussed romantic interests, and the anticipation of potential matches was exhilarating.

However, as we transition into our thirties, showing excitement over flirtations or mourning the loss of a romantic connection becomes less socially acceptable. Expressing the struggle to find love in this stage of life can feel like admitting to a significant personal failure.

Compounding this issue is the societal stigma surrounding offering romantic assistance. In a world that discourages intrusiveness, setting someone up can easily be misconstrued as meddling.

We find ourselves in a paradox: offering help to a single woman may imply there’s something wrong with her, promoting the idea that being in a couple is the ideal, while ignoring her loneliness may come off as selfish.

It’s considered impolite to inquire why a woman over 30 remains single or to suggest she meet a potential match. After all, her single status is not a problem that requires a solution, or so we’re led to believe. Yet, why can’t we simply introduce her to that potential match if it seems like a good fit? How much more detached can society become, and what will become of our community bonds?

Historically, matchmaking was a communal responsibility, extending far beyond the college years. In previous generations, when single women in their thirties were labeled spinsters, and single men in their forties were met with suspicion, matchmaking was often seen as a noble endeavor, although not always driven by altruism.

The motivations often included preventing potential disruptions to family dynamics or simply ensuring that single individuals had fulfilling engagements.

Reimagining Community Bonds in Modern Times

How do we align the human yearning for community with a modern ethos that encourages individual autonomy? Is it feasible to take shared responsibility for the happiness of our single friends, or is this aspiration too ambitious?

Community bonds should develop beyond mere enforcement of social norms. To reassure single individuals that they aren’t alone, we must cultivate mutual empathy. Offering to help set up a friend doesn’t need to be viewed as an act of charity or intrusion; it all hinges on our approach and the receptiveness of the recipient.

Facilitating connections among single individuals ought to be recognized as a shared community responsibility—one that entails listening to friends, understanding their desires, and affirming that they are not alone in their journey. This requires kindness and, importantly, must be a reciprocal effort.

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Chapter 2: The Challenge of Modern Matchmaking

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"Building Resilient Communities: A Moral Responsibility" by Nick Tilsen at TEDxRapidCity highlights the importance of fostering strong community ties and shared responsibilities, especially for single individuals seeking connections.