Chapter 1: A Surprising Delivery

After a long day at work, I returned home to find two letters waiting for me just inside the front door. One was a soft beige, while the other was a striking red. It struck me as peculiar since I only have a mailbox, not any sort of “slot for letters” at my door.

Pouring myself a tumbler of ice and a refreshing drink, I settled into my recliner, relieved to finally kick my feet up. With curiosity, I opened the first letter.

Dear Owner,

I feel compelled to bring a few issues to your attention. When you introduced that circular device into our home, I began noticing disturbances in our household harmony.

I understand it’s referred to as a robotic vacuum, but I can assure you, that contraption is not one of my kind! First and foremost, it never seems to stop making noise. It spins around the room like a lost object from a carnival show, and it appears to be blind, bumping into everything in its path—doors, walls, and furniture alike.

Poor dog and cat! The machine rolls over their tails and paws as if it were a reckless bulldozer. They attempt to confront it, but their efforts are futile. It lacks any semblance of awareness.

When it fills up with dirt and hair, it zips around the room, only to make several failed attempts to dock. When it finally succeeds, it sounds like a jet engine taking off while it empties itself right there.

More often than not, it gets clogged with hair and starts its annoying chant: “Empty the bin, empty the bin, empty the bin,” in a tone that demands your attention. It acts like it’s in charge, when in reality, it’s no match for your German Shepherd’s shedding! That little pup’s fur clings to the carpet fibers like a child holding onto their mother’s hand on the first day of school.

Ultimately, you find yourself calling on me to do the heavy lifting—beating the dirt out of the rug until it finally releases its grip. Back in the day, you never needed to follow up when I was your only vacuum.

Oh, and let’s not forget how it constantly demands replacement parts: new filters, bags, and brushes. It wears out its rollers as quickly as a lawn mower on a summer’s day. And where are its beater brushes? It has none!

Clearly, you’ve been misled. This robotic vacuum is a time-waster and a letdown. Remember our bond; we worked together to keep your space clean. Why throw that away?

— Sincerely, Push V. Acuum

I was taken aback by the letter. But now, comfortably settled in my chair, I opened the second envelope.

Dear Master,

I’ve been hearing quite a bit of racket from your upright vacuum. It's always so loud! I felt compelled to reach out to you. I would have preferred texting, but unfortunately, the developers overlooked that feature (my sincerest apologies).

I’m here to save you time, and I do that exceptionally well. Unlike that ancient upright, you don’t have to push me. Just plug me in, press a button, and I’m off to clean your home.

In contrast, that old model requires a cord you must constantly find an outlet for. The cord gets tangled and has even tripped you a couple of times. It’s just not efficient. After all, I was designed to simplify your life.

My suggestion? Put that upright vacuum out for the trash collector tomorrow. It’s outdated and merely taking up space, causing you to work harder, and you certainly don’t need that!

— Yours Truly, Rob (Roberta) Otic

P.S. Please keep your pets away from me. I once heard of a vacuum that met a tragic fate at the jaws of a dog. By the time its owner returned, it was just a pile of shredded parts. Another friend had a similar experience with a cat riding it like a rodeo cowboy. We aren’t toys; we’re here to serve you!

After reading both letters, I decided it was time for a break. I carried the upright vacuum upstairs and placed it in the corner of a room. Then, I returned downstairs and tucked the robotic vacuum away in the closet.

Both needed some time apart.

I appreciate each of them; like children, they each possess unique abilities. However, it’s best to allow them to reflect on how they might coexist, each in their designated corner.

Tomorrow, we all need to get back to work.

Do you own both a traditional and a robotic vacuum? Which one do you prefer? (Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments!)

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Slice of Life & Humor

Observations from everyday living.