How I Overcame Anti-Depressant Dependency: The Hidden Phases of Recovery
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Chapter 1: My Journey Through Depression
For years, I battled with debilitating depression, akin to my car breaking down repeatedly. Each time, I sought help from a mechanic, but after countless breakdowns, I decided it was time to take matters into my own hands and learn how to repair my own engine.
Over the years, I had been prescribed numerous antidepressants, each accompanied by a slew of unwelcome side effects. Whether I took the medication or not, I found myself trapped in a cycle of despair: the pills diminished my sex drive, caused weight gain, or made me so ill that getting out of bed felt impossible. The weight of depression made me overly compliant.
As time passed, I lost confidence in my own decision-making. I followed every suggestion from the professionals, waiting for them to unlock my ‘happy place.’ However, after years of being dulled by medication and missing out on milestones like marriage or stable employment, I had a revelation. It dawned on me that the key to my happiness rested solely in my hands, not in the prescriptions handed out by doctors who likely had never experienced depression themselves.
I wouldn't take financial advice from a broke YouTuber, so why would I heed the counsel of a doctor who had no personal experience with depression or antidepressants? While they may be knowledgeable about chemical imbalances, they often treat everyone as a uniform case.
The Truth About Chemical Imbalance: Finding Real Balance
The fact is, what works for one person may not work for another. Some individuals may manage well on antidepressants without side effects, but that wasn’t my experience, and I’m thankful for it. There are alternative paths to overcoming depression that the experts might hesitate to share because they want to keep you returning for more prescriptions.
Once I discovered a viable method to reclaim my life, I couldn't help but feel regret for the years I had allowed depression to control me. I believe there are three distinct phases to healing from depression, and I had already navigated the first one with great success, making the subsequent phases less daunting.
It wasn’t until I found myself isolated in a cramped studio apartment with a mere $500 to my name that I realized I needed to seize control of my depression instead of allowing it to guide me like a tethered greyhound. What I didn’t recognize was that I possessed the tools within me to overcome my condition; I just needed to learn how to utilize them. The first tool surprised me—it was my own unique resilience, which I would continue to rely on throughout my journey.
By implementing these phases, I am now free from medication after eleven years on antidepressants. I am no longer shackled by depression, and if it were ever to resurface, I now know how to combat it.
Phase 1: The Importance of Hitting Rock Bottom
I am grateful for the breakdowns I experienced—both on and off medication—because, as the saying goes, “The only way is up, baby!” These moments of crisis were crucial to my healing and the decision to stop taking pills. They empowered me to realize that I was the one holding the keys to my recovery, not the medications or the doctors. I am a survivor, and no one can take that title from me.
I celebrate my journey! Not only do I have no desire to return to that dark place, but I’ve also learned to implement changes that will keep me from falling back. For years, I thought I was a failure, but now I recognize that I am a warrior.
Sadly, I have known other women with similar histories of childhood trauma who turned to substance abuse. Tragically, two of them lost their lives while on antidepressants. Thankfully, the resilience I developed from my past experiences has equipped me to resist addiction.
Instead of viewing my lowest point as a failure, I began to see it as an opportunity for growth. Although my last rock bottom was a studio apartment where I had to give up my cat due to space constraints, I knew that I was better off than in an abusive relationship I had escaped.
My past struggles have made me feel like the wealthiest person alive. I’ve learned how to help myself without relying on medication, and I now have the capacity to assist others.
Phase 2: Empowering Myself Through Knowledge
In the journey to recovery, I had absorbed a wealth of knowledge through reading and research. While it may sound cliché, knowledge truly is power.
Education is vital in overcoming depression and quitting medication, but I’m not referring to traditional academic training. Those framed degrees only indicate that the holders had the privilege to study; I was more intrigued by the untold stories of those who have endured hardship.
True authority comes from having faced suffering firsthand. It’s only through such experiences that one can ask the right questions and seek genuine truths. My reading illuminated a profound realization: I was the true authority over my depression, not the experts. It was my life and my choices that kept depression alive, and no amount of medication could extinguish it—only self-education could.
The Book That Changed My Perspective
I encountered a transformative book that reshaped my understanding of depression. After reading it, I resolved never to identify myself as depressed again. Instead, I would become an expert on the subject and help others, much like Johann Hari, author of Lost Connections: Why You Are Depressed and How to Find Hope.
Hari shared his experiences with antidepressants beginning at 18 and, through a combination of personal and researched insight, he uncovered that while depression can have biological roots, it is primarily environmental. He identified nine main causes of depression, all linked to challenging life circumstances:
- Disconnection from meaningful work
- Disconnection from others
- Disconnection from values
- Childhood trauma
- Disconnection from status
- Disconnection from nature
- Disconnection from security and a hopeful future
- Genetics
- Brain changes
His work notably omits any reference to depression being a mere chemical imbalance warranting lifelong medication.
After absorbing his insights, I added two more causes of depression to Hari’s list: the abandonment of dreams and a lack of self-education. It’s no surprise we feel down when authorities insist we are, all in the name of selling medication.
While I once felt trapped by the idea of genetic predisposition, which complicates recovery, I recognized that it only accounts for 37% of cases. My mother struggles with depression, but I’ve chosen to counter her path by taking proactive steps rather than retreating into isolation.
Through self-education, I gained the necessary tools to reclaim my life and become the gatekeeper of my own happiness. I hope it’s not too late for my mother to find her way as well.
Phase 3: Embracing Change to Break Free
I won’t sugarcoat the reality: quitting depression and medication is not a simple task. However, if hitting rock bottom and self-education don’t suffice, then making significant life changes is essential—something I did.
Drastic changes have become my remedy, and I’ve embraced my newfound addiction to transformation. The fear of becoming like my parents motivated me to seek a life that differed vastly from theirs.
While my adventures around the world are stories for another time, I firmly believe in the mantra: If you don’t like something, change it. Although my quest for fulfillment continues, I have made considerable strides in altering my circumstances. The thrill of venturing into the unknown, boarding a plane, and exploring new destinations is exhilarating—far more fulfilling than any pill.
I embraced the digital nomad lifestyle long before it became a trend. I found more time for personal growth and the freedom to start anew, and while my journey hasn’t unfolded exactly as I envisioned, I have no regrets. I have a YouTube channel, I write, and I’ve connected with countless individuals along the way.
Having the tools of self-education and empowerment is not enough; action is crucial for change. I refused to accept my previous circumstances, which were detrimental to my well-being. Instead, I took charge and found joy in the process. I no longer have time for depression, thanks to reaching rock bottom, gaining knowledge, and daring to embrace significant changes.
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” – Socrates