Chapter 1: Facing the Fog of Mental Health

I found myself in tears at a bustling restaurant, comforted by my mother at the age of 38. The weight of my struggles felt unbearable, and I realized I could no longer continue down this path. Each attempt felt like a gamble with my well-being.

As I waited in my car for a Doordash delivery, I scrolled through job listings on Indeed, applying for positions that seemed suitable. Yet frustration consumed me. Questions like "Will I manage to pay my rent?" and "Can I afford groceries?" echoed in my mind as I stared at the measly $16 I had earned for three hours of work. It was humiliating.

I was overwhelmed with shame, pondering my decision to leave a corporate leadership role for this. “What a failure I’ve become,” I thought. I wallowed in self-pity, fixating on how my undiagnosed autism had adversely affected my life and relationships. To compound my misery, I immersed myself in YouTube videos featuring creators with late autism diagnoses who shared their struggles.

Having already shed tears earlier in the day and experienced a meltdown the previous night, I was spiraling deeper into negativity when I heard a loud "CRUNCH." My heart sank as I glanced in the side mirror to see a large black truck nearly colliding with my car. The driver attempted to maneuver away, but I was already on the brink of tears.

In that moment, my emotions erupted. I felt utterly mute, unable to even address the driver who had hit me. Fortunately, I was parked outside my mother's workplace, and at the age of 38, I walked in sobbing, seeking her support.

This was my lowest point. I struggled to recognize the person I had become, so different from the woman who was once passionate about life and leading a multi-million dollar enterprise just four years prior. In those frozen seven minutes, I knew I couldn’t continue in this manner. I felt drained, consumed by fear, and driving in such a state was perilous.

Reflecting on this moment, I realized it mirrored the decision I had made to leave my corporate leadership career. My job had evolved, yet my mindset remained stagnant. Throughout my journey of empowering others, I noticed a pattern: many leaders were workaholics teetering on the brink of burnout, devoting 95% of their energy to their careers while neglecting their personal lives.

They often sidelined their values and dreams to serve the ambitions of their employers, and I recognized this disconnect. It didn't make sense to have a profound calling yet dedicate the majority of my time to someone else's goals, all while sacrificing family time and personal happiness.

Back then, I began to shift my beliefs, but I failed to act on them, which marked the beginning of my pain and depression as a leader. After experiencing a spiritual awakening, I grasped the power I possessed to shape my reality, but my actions were still misaligned.

As I delivered various meats and processed foods to customers, I often felt conflicted as a vegan and health advocate. I was living contrary to my values, yet I couldn't see a way out.

Why was that?

It all boiled down to my negative thoughts, beliefs, and actions.

I took solace in the wisdom of Mina Irvan (The Universe Guru) on YouTube, who advocated for belief transformation. She asserted, “I simply decided that making money is enjoyable and effortless.” This belief became her reality. “You must align your thoughts and actions to achieve it,” she explained.

Mina envisioned a fulfilling life filled with love, family time, and financial ease. What was her secret? Engaging in inner work and aligning with new beliefs.

Motivated, I set to work. First, I documented my negative beliefs that dragged me down. I then applied a technique from "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns, M.D., which involves identifying negative thoughts, challenging their validity, and rewriting them—essentially extinguishing the flame of negativity.

In leadership, many detrimental beliefs stem from external pressures that suggest, “It’s foolish to pursue x, y, and z. You must trade your time for money. If you’re working, you can’t spend time with your children. Financial success is hard-earned.” You get the picture.

These beliefs shape our realities. Only when we analyze them and determine if they align with our true calling can we begin to create our own narratives. When we commit to action, the world opens up before us.

Want to dive deeper into this conversation? Check out my podcast episode discussing Leadership, Depression, and Mindset [HERE](#).

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