Choosing Your Family

There’s significant value in curating your own circle, and I advocate for surrounding yourself with individuals who uplift you instead of those who bring you down. This principle applies even to family ties. One major reason for this is that individuals who drag us down often resist change. It’s both fascinating and disheartening to observe how some people remain entrenched in their past, clinging to moments that were either meaningful or painful, and failing to progress. This stagnation can be detrimental not just to themselves but to those around them as well.

Often, this manifests as an attitude of “I’ve made my bed, now I must lie in it.” While this might seem like a noble stance, it frequently serves as an excuse for inaction and an unwillingness to enhance their circumstances. Even when straightforward solutions to their challenges exist, they often choose to accept their plight, regardless of its adverse effects on themselves and others.

At times, individuals adopt an “if only” perspective, lamenting situations such as “if only our finances were better” or “if only I could see a therapist,” yet they neglect to take the necessary steps to achieve these goals, even when they are within reach. This inertia stems from either a lack of motivation or an inability to act; the former can sometimes be addressed with encouragement, while the latter is often more challenging to overcome.

The static lives led by such individuals can be exhausting for those around them. They frequently evade accountability for their choices, viewing themselves as victims of circumstance. Consequently, they often depend on others to rescue them when they face difficulties.

Spending prolonged periods with these individuals can be draining. While the world continuously evolves, they remain stuck, compelling those around them to push them forward. Change is infrequent and typically occurs only after significant effort, often requiring others to drag them reluctantly into progress.

Another type of stagnant person is one who perceives those around them as static. These individuals can be vibrant and successful, yet they fail to recognize the growth of those close to them. This is especially true in familial relationships, where parents may struggle to acknowledge their children’s evolution. Instead, they tend to remember the versions of their children they could control, which can severely undermine relationships.

There are various reasons for this mindset: it could be a power dynamic, a rigid way of thinking, or a refusal to accept that their child has matured. Regardless of the duration or extent of change, what matters most to them is their perception of you when they held power over you.

I have encountered this personally, which is why I maintain distance from most of my family. My father, in particular, has been unwilling to recognize the adult I’ve become, choosing instead to see me as the troubled teen he once managed. His persistent attempts to influence my choices led to our estrangement.

Through therapy, I have come to terms with these experiences. Five years after severing ties with my family, I had a moment of clarity reminiscent of a scene from the movie "Labyrinth," where the protagonist realizes, “You have no power over me.” Recognizing this truth is profoundly liberating.

I can reflect on my relationship with my father, who I haven’t seen in years, and internally assert, “You have no power over me.” This realization allows me to confront all those who have viewed me as a lesser version of myself and say those words. It feels incredibly empowering.

Not everyone shares this fortune. Many individuals who have evolved still find themselves tethered to someone stagnant or who views them through a static lens. This is particularly true for minors or young adults, especially those identifying as queer or trans, who may fear rejection from their families if they reveal their true selves.

However, it’s crucial to remember that you are not obligated to maintain relationships with family members who deplete your energy. Being linked to a static family member or, worse, one who perceives you as static can be incredibly challenging. Liberating yourself from such relationships is a significant step toward personal freedom. You have the right to choose who remains in your life.

Individuals who are stagnant and insist on viewing you through a fixed lens rarely deserve your energy. While some may be capable of change, you are not compelled to exhaust yourself for their sake. Never sacrifice your well-being to sustain someone else’s static existence.

Many of these individuals resist change as it preserves their perceived power. With effort, you can reclaim your autonomy from them. You need not endure a miserable existence to accommodate their unchanging one. Start by embracing those empowering six words:

You have no power over me.

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